Chairman Shibata: Welcome to fifth meeting of the Emoji planning Committee. Mr Kurita thanks us for our diligence, and today we aim to have a first proposed draft, the final version of which we will release later this year. Let’s get our final reports from the subcommittees. First is Mr Ohno with Buildings.
Mr Ohno: Thank you Chairman Shibata. The Buildings Subcommittee has assembled the necessary components. We have houses (with and without gardens), schools, hospitals, banks, convenience stores, hotels, churches, post offices, and castles. For the last two, we have included both the Japanese and European variety. The American post office was deemed too ugly to include, and they have no castles to speak of.
Mr Miller: [chewing, wipes muffin grease on shirt] What about weddings?
Ohno: Mr Miller, weddings are not buildings.
Miller: [mouth full] People get married in churches. [swallows] Can’t we just turn the Church pink and add a heart to it?
Ohno: Sure, that is possible, but…
Miller: And we might as well do that for Hotel.
Ohno: Do what to Hotel?
Miller: Make it pink and slap on a heart. Where do you expect married couples to go on their wedding night?
Ohno: Um– [shuffles papers]
Miller: We should probably apply that pattern to all the buildings. Love Castles, Love Post Offices, Love Banks, Love Schools–
Ohno: I don’t think–
Shibata: Mr Miller, thank you for your input. Mr Ohno, please incorporate the first two ideas and let’s move on.
Ohno: But Mr Shibata, “weddings” are not buildings.
Shibata: I understand, but Mr Miller was invited here to provide his [pauses to choose the next word carefully] representative opinion so to facilitate mass adoption of Emoji not just here but also overseas.
[Miller grins widely. A bit of muffin descends from the corner of his mouth.]
Shibata: Let’s move on. Mr Okada, please grace us with your report from the Animals Subcommittee.
Mr Okada: Thank you, Mr Shibata. It is my pleasure to announce we have incorporated all major animals, from your domesticated kinds to your more exotic species. We have broken down the set into two main categories: Faces and Serious. Faces will serve to show the cute faces of dogs, cats, frogs, tigers, birds, bears, pigs, chickens. Serious contains meticulously constructed, anatomically correct representations of cows, rams, tigers, dragons (as is possible), horses, rabbits, camels (both bactrian and–
Miller: We should have some Cat Faces.
Okada: I’m sorry?
Miller: Cat Faces. I was admiring Ms Ikeda’s work on the Smileys Subcommittee and thought, what if we had all these but for cats?
[Ms Ikeda puts face in hands.]
Okada: We already have a great Cat Face, which is modeled after my own cat Takosu, and can be used in combination with the wonderful set of Smileys, for an effective compound emoji.
Miller: That is ambiguous. Am I sad about a cat, or am I cat sad? Just duplicate the Smileys set with some whiskers and ears, and Bobu’s your uncle.
Okada: No that doesn’t even – why would you – I don’t know anyone named Bobu.
Ikeda: Mr Chairman, I object.
Shibata: Ms Ikeda, Mr Okada – you need not combine all Smileys with Cat Face, but please choose a subset to combine. I haven’t the faintest idea why one would need a Cat Smiley, but once again, we must trust Mr Miller’s expertise on what is important for cross-culture adoption.
Ikeda: Very well.
Shibata: Thank you both. Finally, let us review the findings of the Miscellaneous Proposal Subcommittee, spearheaded by Mr Miller. Mr Miller?
Miller: Thank you, Mr Chairman. I have just a short of proposed additions that I’d like to run through. First off, while we’re on the subject – Dog Face Smileys?
Ikeda and Okada: [in unison] No.
Miller: OK. Dr Fujita of the Celestial Sparkly Subcommittee, there was a set of commercials called The More You Know and it has a very specific shooting star–
Dr Fujita: No.
Miller: Hashimoto, old pal. Buddy. I like what your folks at the Transportation Subcommittee have done with Rocket, but what if we had Rocket with Racing Stripes?
Mr Hashimoto: No.
Miller: Mr Kimura of Foods and Beverages, how about Cheese?
Mr Kimura: We don’t have the capacity for new additions to our set.
Miller: How about a Cheeseburger?
Kimura: We don’t have the capacity for new additions to our set. And, we already have a Hamburger.
Shibata: [deep breath] Mr Kimura, as a compromise, can we leave room in the implementation notes to allow for cheese on the Hamburger?
Kimura: That’s fine.
Miller: OH! Tacos???
Kimura: No room at the inn, Miller.
Miller: [looks at Ohno] Love Inn?
[Ohno blankly stares at Miller.]
Miller: [looks back at Kimura] What if you got rid of… [flips through notes] Roasted Sweet Potato?
Kimura: Super Potato Co was gracious enough to provide a lot of the R&D funding for our subcommittee, so that would be disrespectful and unwise.
Shibata: Is that all, Mr Miller?
Miller: Yep, thanks.
Shibata: Alright, thank you everyone for your hard work. Next week we finalize the Flags section, so please come prepared with a list of no more than ten countries, striking a balance between most likely to care and least likely to retaliate. Meeting adjourned.
Miller: Hey, this Peach looks like a butt! ū